Never in a million years did I ever think I would be writing a post like this. Never did I think this would happen to me. I honestly still to this day don’t even understand how or why, and I probably never will. I doubt I’ll ever get the answers to half the questions I have spinning around in my head.
It still feels so surreal typing these words! It’s a truth I didn’t think would to be mine. It’s not the life I imagined. It’s not the journey I thought I’d have. But here it goes, I may as well say it because it is my life now. Although everything is still an emotional rollercoaster, it’s hitting home that this is my reality now…
I am a single mum.
It’s just me and Maddie.
My girl and I, side by side.
He left me.
He left us.
Truthfully, I never saw it coming. There was no obvious indication. Over the past 9 weeks, my mind has gone over and over and over every single detail, every single memory I have, and nothing stands out! And that’s not me being in denial, it’s the truth! I was just cruising along in our little happy bubble that I thought was invincible. Looking forward to our future and making plans, all for that happy bubble to suddenly be burst.
I feel like a fool. I trusted giving my heart to someone, someone who I believed would love me and keep my heart protected forever… and he crushed it. You can’t help but think “what’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough?” the sort of thoughts that I know I shouldn’t think as they are a one way ticket to zero confidence and self-belief. But it’s hard. Especially at night, when you’re sat there all alone, not to let your mind wonder and second guess yourself. It’s just one of those things that will take a lot of time.
What now… well, who the fuck knows!
Do I turn right or left?
Where does this new life/path go?
And how many hurdles will there be along the way?
Will I ever trust or love again?
Is this it for me, will I be lonely forever?
This is my new chapter. My new reality that is single motherhood. A new beginning I didn’t even know I’d have.
I’m scared and I’m learning as I go along (a bit like being a first time mum I guess!) It’s been agony and so emotionally draining to go through, but slowly day-to-day life is starting to get easier. Whether that’s because I’m actually healing or just because I’m keeping busy, I don’t know. But one way or another, I am starting to look forward to the future more... and what do I see? Hope and Strength. And that hope and strength stands before me in my beautiful, amazing, darling daughter. Maddie.
Through all of this, she is the absolute priority. She is my hope, she is my strength, she is my world, she is everything. I will do whatever I have to, to keep her safe, happy and develop a positive relationship with us both moving forward. She doesn’t deserve this and no matter how painful this experience is, I’ve been determined to not let my feelings have an impact and affect her growing up. This beautiful, innocent little girl will have the best life I can possibly give her.
Something I have discovered is that I am definitely NOT alone, you don’t quite realise how much support is out there for you. Not only from professionals but through family, friends and people you didn’t even know were there or had lost touch with, can really pick you up and crack a smile again! Unfortunately I’m not the first women to go through this and I’d be naive to think I’d be the last. (Wishful thinking though, as I wouldn’t want anyone to experience and go through what I’ve been enduring for the past couple of months!)
I won’t be sharing details as to what has happened exactly, but I’m hoping by sharing my journey going forward and leaving the pain in the past, I can help give other mums going through this a little glimmer of strength. Because, whether we see it now or we don’t, things will get better, they will get easier, and you never know what or who is out there in the future waiting for you. You might not agree with it now, but trust the journey. And thank the big man above for our beautiful, wonderful children. As my Grandma always used to tell us… “Everything happens for a reason.”
Thank you, for all your support so far in everything I do and have done, and for investing your time and love in my life and my Maddie girl.
Cheers to the future, whatever that may be!
Lots of Love, Bethany x